| Nothing is Sacred ||
[Most Recent Entries]
Below are the 50 most recent journal entries recorded in
[x] | A Smile For Your Disgrace| [x]'s LiveJournal:
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|Sunday, November 2nd, 2003|
MY NEW LIVEJOURNAL NAME IS::
</b> BangBangBrigade </b>
|Saturday, November 1st, 2003|
|. Note .
. i think im getting a new lj.
ill give it to everyone once i have it...
|Thursday, October 30th, 2003|
. for halloween.
ill be captain underpants. <33
|Thursday, October 16th, 2003|
. i hate you.
your nothing to me.
stop pretending like you make rules for me.
i hate both of you.
please. do me a favor. and kill yourselves. Current Mood: aggravated
has got himself a journal =).
if you know him. add him.xaviersPlayMate
ha. he came up with the name. not i.
|Wednesday, October 15th, 2003|
ive lied to all of you.
and that best part of it is. I enjoyed it Current Mood: amused
|Tuesday, October 14th, 2003|
. none of my friends have posted shit in my community.
a few have joined.
you guys know wat to do. Current Mood: blank
/ i want to start a community \
anybody want to give me a live journal code.
ill give it back to you once i get things started.
. i think i wanna fuck the shit out of brody armstrong.. honest. Current Mood: amused
|Monday, October 13th, 2003|
. fuck this day nigga.
me ozmar and fabio starte4d the morning off like a couple of thugs.
but i got in deep shit. so i just left school.
i think im in deeper shit.
went to fabios and slept.
w/e yo. school is literally driving me to my end point. i can't. i can't
do it anymore. i told my teacher that i have a crack rock problem. and that she should mind her own fucking business.
i felt bad, cuz i was a dick to her.
but in felt so good to finally let some steam off. Current Mood: distressed
|Sunday, October 12th, 2003|
ok Note :
Im Atrracted to Girls. I just would never stick it in one
end. Current Mood: awake
|Wednesday, October 8th, 2003|
|. kiss meee.
i <33 youuu.
walking out was easier than it should have been. B O O M
I pushed you. You Fell. Now Die. Current Mood: amused
|Sunday, September 21st, 2003|
happy birthday to my dearest daniela
17 years ago..
a hott ass mutha fucka was brought into this world.
wer gonna get crunked up yo.
|. its good.
. yesterday went good.
was one of the funnest saturdays ive had in a while.
had an adventure on a little scooter, with 3 people.
it took me 2 1/2 hours to get from kellys. to my house. walked for a year.
next friday. 18 v yo. u know it nigga. Current Mood: dirty
|Thursday, September 18th, 2003|
spencer <33. made me an icon. Current Mood: content
|Wednesday, September 17th, 2003|
|Wednesday, September 10th, 2003|
|. hey kiddos.
. some please help me out and give me a ride to the 18 v showww.
ill buy yu food and gas. Current Mood: blank
|Monday, September 8th, 2003|
. from here on out.im looking for a fucking girl friend.
|Sunday, August 31st, 2003|
/ my head hurts/
yesterday turned out good.
daniela s house is [pretty]||| Current Mood: sick
|Saturday, August 30th, 2003|
. MY parents are back.
i took my lip ring outt.
i dont know wat im doing today.
|Tuesday, August 26th, 2003|
|. ha finally
. dude. wtf is spencer sayingg.
he's such a fucking lame ass.
haha. go check out that faggots journal. xwaff7ezx
im glad wer not freinds anymore. all he did was bring along dead wieght. i hate him. and now that wer not frends anymore, i can shoot a hole in his ass... Current Mood: amused
|Thursday, August 21st, 2003|
<*lj-cut> Suck my Cock
I Love xjanuaryscars (CBS, 2:30): xjanuaryscars (Denise Richards) marries broken_robot (Ricky Martin)'s doctor. The week after, the80smade (Dana Carvey) wipes ondress (Sigourney Weaver)'s laptop. Also, _cheshire_cat_ (Cesar Romero) buys angrythomas (Harvey Keitel) a turkey. Afterwards, amennema (Lauren Bacall) can't open cherryredwhore (Mena Suvari)'s jar of pickles. Later, ohmygoditsalex (George Takei) hits on snufflelufugus (Justin Timberlake)'s co-worker. Zany antics follow.
All My xjanuaryscars (CBS, 2:30): xjanuaryscars (Denise Richards) convinces tightpants (Judy Garland) to learn to speak Tlingit. Upstairs, skankingstar (Eric McCormack) gets mad at soflarock (John Cleese) and decides to join the Peace Corps. Meanwhile, angievalles (Dennis Hopper) bites lefttandleaving (Rick Yune). Soon afterwards, asphyxiatedstar (Dan Aykroyd) learns a card trick from tsunamivani (Gene Kelly). On the other side of town, poopwaffle (Calista Flockhart) and razorkutt (Benicio Del Toro) perform slapstick at a diner. (Closed captioned.) Current Mood: blank
|Wednesday, August 20th, 2003|
|Saturday, August 16th, 2003|
FadingKISSESx [4:41 PM]: haha. but im mad ugly
FadingKISSESx [4:41 PM]: so it doesnt matter
********** [4:41 PM]: no u aint man if iwer gay id fuck ya again
FadingKISSESx [4:42 PM]: haha. again. hahahaha
FadingKISSESx [4:42 PM]: thats funny
************* [4:42 PM]: shut ur mouth Current Mood: giggly
|Friday, August 15th, 2003|
|. U Know the Drill...
1. What do you honestly think of me? I
2. On a Scale from 1- 10, how nice am I to you?
3. Do I seem caring?
4. Outgoing or shy?
5. Funny or serious?
6. Sweet or mean?
7. Singing or dancing?
8. Colorful or gray?
9. Smart or stupid?
10. Faithful or Faithless?
11. Goodygoody, naughty-naughty, or in between?
12. Weird or gifted?
13. Which celebrity is most like me?
14. Do you like being friends with me?
15. Do you ever think about me offline?
16. What's my Spice name?
17. Dark or a bright person?
18. Do you consider me one of your good friends?
19. How would you describe me to someone else?
20. Cheater or Loyal?
21. Guy-crazed or Girl-crazed or laid-back?
22. What would you say my clothing style is?
23. Chatty or quiet?
24. Do you think I'm ugly, OK, cute, or HOT, or even..sexy?
25. What's your prediction for my future?
26. Internet junkie or writing freak?
27. Poetic or logical?
28. Annoyingly hyper or cutely hyper?
29. What do you like about me?
30. Will we be friends in the future?
31. Would you ever take a bullet for me?
32. What kind of guy/girl could you see me dating?
33. Would you stick up for me in a fight?
34. Partier, semi-partier, or party pooper?
35. Lovable, likable, or I hate you?
36. Would you ever go out with me?
37. Would you ever give your phone number to me?
38. Do I have a chance w/ you?
39. Do you like me now or have you ever?
40. Would you ever fool around with me?
41. Would you ever kiss me, other than a dare?
42. Would you have sex with me?
|Monday, August 11th, 2003|
|.. haha. wierd yo
.. some of these might go on my lj friends list. add me back yo.
1: timexwellxspent, 2: ___gwenn, 3: dancinmonkie, 4: _shellofmyself, 5: rainbow_stars, 6: tayleristrash, 7: discountpass, 8: poopwaffle, 9: wreckinrage, 10: snufflelufugus, 11: darkeningdreams, 12: escuincla, 13: sykosam, 14: emorunaway, 15: nonchalanter, 16: saad_the_mod, 17: m00nlitxtrance, 18: enerv3, 19: el_steve_o, 20: adrenelinriot, 21: jaceavataris, 22: xlastoctoberx, 23: pookiefaery420, 24: queennadinne, 25: day_niece, 26: xxthealleyxx, 27: ventilate, 28: iwannabeabear, 29: pink_roar, 30: ohmygoditsalex, 31: mornigstrmadnes, 32: punkrockdork4, 33: meatycuka, 34: kidontrampoline, 35: invoked, 36: smhpunk, 37: cuphalfempty, 38: somariot, 39: lunchboxtuna, 40: rob_de_tat, 41: dramallama, 42: xxspringbreakxx, 43: xxpurplecowxx, 44: claire_writes, 45: amclees, 46: hobbitcore, 47: royalduck1, 48: temptingfate, 49: shhurebob, 50: xblackestnightx Current Mood: awake
|Monday, August 4th, 2003|
|. good day.
. today was a good day. went thrifting. stole lots good stuff. <33.
i dont start work on monday anymore. my dad didnt come through. ha. ill start this week though.
i owe this kid 100 beans. wtf. Current Mood: sleepy
|Sunday, August 3rd, 2003|
|.. ive never cried sober.
.. today was the worst ever.
we went to emitts house after irinas get together.
so much bad shit went down. like an amazing amount of really bad shit.
we get to emmits and we drink. christina ends up missing. im like "w/e no biggy. she's catching a bus"
anthony freaks out. starts throwing up everywer. he scares the shit out of me. he cries. and im all confused. irina cleaned up his stuff. ahh.
ugh. christina gets home. bad shit dude. like. i cried. i cried for her.
my best frends have never seen me cry. and i don't get frustrated. and i dont cry for anything-ever.. but this situation. i saw christina get out of the car. i gave her a hug and started bawling. like out of nower. and i cant think about it now. i think of anthony crying. and my eyes get all gay and teary. w/e. i sound pathetic.
i havent known christina for a long period of time. and i care for her, like tremendously.and tonight made me fall in love with her. and honestly, i can't fucking like put my words together. cuz i know i want to get sumwer with this. but its not going to happen. . and i hated today. and i realized, about how much i care for these kids. like i cared for them before. and im talking about christina and anthony specifically.
but i never actually say i care about anyone. and i mean, its basically cuz i don't want ppl to think i care about them. and i dont want ppl caring for me. i dont like ppl talking to me about ther problems. because i can never help anyone. and i dont like ppl helping me out, because i know i dont want it. but tonight changed the way i see alot of things. and i think about how much worse it could have been. and i dont know.
fuck this shit. i dont know why im writing all of this.
everyones gonna read it. and be like "is this xavier?" or "damn this kids on crack".. but yeah. i needed to let all thsi shit out. so i can stop crying over thiss. Current Mood: crushed
|Saturday, August 2nd, 2003|
.. yesterday was funn..
went to sunset and drank.
then went to a party. and drank drank drunk.
had to walk home. spencer was drunk. never been drunk with him. <33
. ha. <33 tasha <33 morgan <33 billie <33 dunia <33 maria <33 chew <33 Blair
woot. i saw nayo at that party. she was looking gooodd. =)
i met christina yesterday. she's hott shit yo. Current Mood: chipper
|Friday, July 25th, 2003|
|haha. debras so fucking sexx.
FadingKISSESx [4:38 PM]: are u masterrbating
FadingKISSESx [4:38 PM]: cuz ur not answeering
MourningStar112 [4:41 PM]: i was masterbating ;)
MourningStar112 [4:41 PM]: sorry
FadingKISSESx [4:42 PM]: haha. nice
MourningStar112 [4:42 PM]: thanx
oh no. today. ther was a lizard on my wall. and i hit it with a shoe. now its splattered all over my wall. Current Mood: worried
|Thursday, July 24th, 2003|
|.... cyber sex is whackkk,
BigPopz489 [5:47 PM]: are you circumsiezed
FadingKISSESx [5:48 PM]: does it make a difference
BigPopz489 [5:49 PM]: im justr asking
BigPopz489 [5:49 PM]: r u?>
FadingKISSESx [5:50 PM]: naww.
FadingKISSESx [5:50 PM]: i love my uncut cock. cuz it taste so good.
FadingKISSESx [5:50 PM]: haha.
BigPopz489 [5:51 PM]: yep squirt it on me
FadingKISSESx [5:52 PM]: all over ur face?
BigPopz489 [5:52 PM]: hell yea
FadingKISSESx [5:53 PM]: str8.
BigPopz489 [5:53 PM]: can i cum on your face
FadingKISSESx [5:53 PM]: if u lick it off afterwards
FadingKISSESx [5:53 PM]: haha
BigPopz489 [5:54 PM]: ur an ass
BigPopz489 [5:54 PM]: i dont eat my own cum
FadingKISSESx [5:54 PM]: haha why
FadingKISSESx [5:54 PM]: lol.
FadingKISSESx [5:54 PM]: neither do i
BigPopz489 [5:54 PM]: then
FadingKISSESx [5:54 PM]: thats why i sed "haha'
FadingKISSESx [5:55 PM]: u totally killed our cyber sex moment
FadingKISSESx [5:55 PM]: pssh
BigPopz489 [5:55 PM]: lol Current Mood: dirty
|Sunday, July 13th, 2003|
yesterday was good. but ended out really fucking retarded.
we got to the grove. everyone went to a party.
we got a ride to the party.
my c's kicked in on the wayy,
started drinking at the party.
then sum1 stole this girls purse.
the girl starts cryingg. blah blah blahhh.
her boyfrend fucking flips out. he like scares the shit out of everyone.
and like, starts a fight with the owner of the house. and this kid is like "wtf is ur problem"
then sean comes up to me and is like "wtf, why are u just sitting around here. and gives me a good slap. =)" haha. i couldnt feel it, but i knew it happend, cuz im not stupid. Ppl start telling sean to cool the fuck off, and that he shouldnt have hit me.
me billie tatti and elvis go inside by the pool.
this guy comes in and fucking starts asking us questions again. and decides to give me a goood punch in the fucking face
..yet again. i couldnt feel it. but i knew it happend.
elvis is like, "sean. blah blah blah" and terry was like "sean, blah blah blah" and everyone was like "sean blah blah blah"
but this guy was just like "im gonna drop everyone in here, if my lady doesnt find her shitt."
.. but its funny. cuz i know why i was the only the person he decided to hitt. hahah. and it's not cuz he knows i wouldnt of done anything back to him. cuz ther was more ppl that wouldnt have doen anything to him if they wer to be hit.
me elvis and billie walk to the metro and leave home.
i get home and im stilllll drunk.
i wake up and the inside of my mouth is cut up, and my lipp is slightly swollen. Current Mood: irritated
|Wednesday, July 9th, 2003|
. school started mondayy. wasnt so badd.
i missed today. i got really fucked up yesterday, and didnt feel like waking up todayy. Current Mood: hungry
|Saturday, June 21st, 2003|
.. on my way home yesterday. i picked up the cutest fucking cat ever. its sooooo little. and it runs around and gives me kisses.
we can't keep it though. we named it scenster
anyone wanna give it a home? Current Mood: amused
|Thursday, June 19th, 2003|
yesterday was good. i got drunk with morgy dunia maria bj and tony. irina and albert went away on their own. then i met up with sum kid i met on XY named Tony. Super hott kid. Gorgeouse Blue eyes, fucking washboard stomache. SO i figured, why waist my time. He's way out of my league. <33.
We talked as he ate his crepe. He found me attractive. Woah. Big Surpise. Got nice lips. Nice kisser. I see myself with him. He's 16. wich is a good age difference.
We left. Dunia and mOrgan and Maria left. Me and bj and irina headed to billie jeans house. =). had an adventure. I think wer gonna hit the rave up tomorrow nightt. Hope its funn.. Current Mood: content
|Tuesday, June 17th, 2003|
|. he took my hapiness away.
... the only thing that made me happy. as homosexual and superficial that this may sound. he made me cut my fucking hair. I hate him for life. I look like a gay eminem. =(. im so fucking sad. i <33ed my pello. and he chopped it offff. ughhhhh.
He just released all hell in this mutha fuckka.
He will never be able to walk again. Current Mood: bitchy
|Sunday, June 15th, 2003|
. yesterday was fun <33.
i gave sumone my 411. lets see if he wants to call. =\
carolina, is a piiimp. haha.
met shane and veronica from forad rules, haha.... Current Mood: awake
|Friday, June 13th, 2003|
i'm begining to get really superficial. Current Mood: discontent
|Tuesday, June 10th, 2003|
..my brother is now hanging out at the pier. haha.
He sed "i saw this pretty girl with neon orange hair.dude, her hair is beautiful. i love her hair..."
would it be caron? haha.
he met mr.elvis on friday. oh my oh my. my brother and the grove kids. ughhhhh. what the fuck.
lol. he's gonna find stuff outt. i know it.
|Monday, June 2nd, 2003|
|Friday, May 30th, 2003|
|Thursday, May 29th, 2003|
. i want a cool gay friend thats a boy. =(
why is that people have cool gay friends. and i dont? do i not deserve them =(. should i stop being so reluctant to talk to ppl. eghh. watever. im retarded. i want sex. but. emm. no1 wants to give it to mee. because. im ugly?. duh. that has to be it. i know it is. everyone sais its not true. but i have eyes. and i think im ugly. so my thought is all that counts. but then sum1 else told me that im always going to be my worst critic. and i still didnt care.
. i honestly have so many femal friends that its lame. i dont mind that at all. but i would definately appreciate some male friends that aren't fucking stupid.ugh. fuck me... im being real wierd about this.
sum tell me im over-reacting. and say that theyll be my frenddd. <333 Current Mood: bored
|Thursday, May 22nd, 2003|
..u wer right girlie.
u wer right.
i have it better than i suppose so.
|Wednesday, May 21st, 2003|
.. hmm. three post in one hour. i guess i need to let off some steam.
i was napping today. in my bed. and just started to think. and w/e. maybe im being an idiot. but why the hell do i feel like i dont have any friends? i mean. i used to trust alot of ppl. and i just don't anymore. is it because im a horrible person. i need everyone who reads this to evaluat me. honestly. or ill seriously get upset.
[*] on a scale of 1-5. 5 being the highest.[*]
[x] im mean.
[x] im annoying.
[x] im caring
[x] im a good person.
[*]Answer THRUTHFULLY [*]
[x] things u would like to change about me. Current Mood: blah
|Sunday, May 11th, 2003|
refined, amiable, sociable, happy, generous, realistic, charming, gracious, affectionate, balanced, diplomatic, easy-going, elegant, charming, flirtatious, committed, objective but can be indecisive, emotionally complex, vague, dependent, distant, argumentative, depressed, exhausted, materialistic, superficial, self-indulgent, easily-offended Current Mood: bored
|Wednesday, May 7th, 2003|
|Read it Please!
ok. I wrote this for school. But havent finished.
I know its long, but can you guys please read it and tell me what you think? Standing in my faded Chuck Taylor shoes, my arms drowned in tattoos, clothes tattered my hair kind of dreaded; I’m just standing, waiting for something to happen in my life. Knowing damn well, that those are just my empty wishes that have no meaning to anyone else but me. I sit in an empty alley, were nothing but rats and roaches live. I look at everything, through this little hole in the world. A woman gets chased down by a mugger, and forced into a car. I’m pretty certain she would probably end up dead, on the news-her family grieving for her. So why don’t I do anything about it? Why should I? Does anyone in this place give a rat’s ass about me? If I were to be put in that position, would anyone come to my aid? So why bother. Selfish of me, of course, but what else would anyone expect of a lonely gutter punk with no job, no future. I get bored by the world, and find myself looking in the dumpster for some ‘grub’. Luckily I find myself a cup of half eaten Ramen Noodle, and an old bottle of Pepsi. After dinner, I find myself newspapers, read the first page for a second, realize that nothing has changed in this world, only the number of deaths that drunk drivers cause, or the fact that the president has yet again failed to represent his country accordingly. All that stuff is UN important to me anyways; I lie down on some cardboard and wrap myself in the newspapers. I whisper a faint “goodnight” under my breath, and hope that there is no tomorrow.
The morning comes, and the traffic wakes me up. My body yearns for some coke, and maybe some food, drugs always come first though. I find a black charcoal rock, and tear a piece of cardboard off my bed. On it I write: LOOKING FOR WORK. HELP PAY FOR A HAIRCUT. I used to have more dignity than this though. Begging for money never came to easy for me to do, but as the times change, so had my values. I would do just about anything to get a buck or two. I step into traffic just a red light sets. I come upon a red Cadillac, look inside, and see that there is a young woman, with two kids in the back seat. I approach it, and her window goes up. I was lucky enough to collect 11 dollars and a couple of pennies and nickels. Windows were rolled up on me all day; an occasional person would be generous. Not once was “Thank You” uttered from my lips though. I had nothing to thank them for. Those corporate monkeys were the reason a person like me couldn’t get a job. In this world, it was survival of the fittest, and in this game-you had to have money to earn it. In my case, I had nothing, when I felt like changing that, the world would just close their doors on my face, and the government would spit right in my mouth. It’s disgusting how this country bases itself on freedom of expression, but the main reason that I’m homeless is because I was one of the few that had an opinion. I was never one to keep my mouth shut when I did not agree with something. I was arrogant, a pain in everyone’s ass. I was kicked right off the corporate ladder. After high school, and yes I graduated from high school; I went on my search for a job. Nobody would hire me; they would just take one look at me, and throw away my application. After a while, I had nothing left, no money. My parents had left me, no word from them in years. I was alone in this world, but unlike now, I still had hope as for my future. I never pictured myself begging for money, or looking in the trash for food. I had high hopes, but it all went away some how. I don’t even remember. And actually, I don’t care. I walk to a gas station knowing that I’m no were near what I need to get my cocaine and settle for second best, some food and a couple of beers. The gasoline station is practically abandoned, and there is nobody in their but a obese hick looking woman, with a mole on her forehead and a huge gap on the lower left of her mouth. I reach into the fridge and pull out 2 quarts of Natural Ice. I walk around to the side, and grab towards the sandwiches. As I walk towards the counter some “red neck grandpa” looking son of a bitch pushes me into the rack of chips, looks at me in the eye and lets out a “queer.” Hah, that was good. Normally, that would not bother me, seeing as though I wasn’t gay. This guy though, I just didn’t like him. I didn’t know him, but you know that feeling when you don’t like somebody, before you know them-well I had that feeling. I pay for my stuff and walk out with no problem. I pop open one of the beers, and unwrap my ham and turkey sub. I take a bite of the sub, and everything went black. I woke up, with that redneck on me, pounding on my chest, and kicking me in the stomach. I’m thinking, “I’m young, I’m pretty strong. So why am I still on the floor?” I get up, deck the guy in the face for a couple of minutes, then he fell to the ground. I started kicking him in the face, and he started to weep. I felt sorry for him, but I wouldn’t stop. hope as for my future. I never pictured myself begging for money, or looking in the trash for food. I had high hopes, but it all went away some how. I don’t even remember. And actually, I don’t care. I walk to a gas station knowing that I’m no were near what I need to get my cocaine and settle for second best, some food and a couple of beers. The gasoline station is practically abandoned, and there is nobody in their but a obese hick looking woman, with a mole on her forehead and a huge gap on the lower left of her mouth. I reach into the fridge and pull out 2 quarts of Natural Ice. I walk around to the side, and grab towards the sandwiches. As I walk towards the counter some “red neck grandpa” looking son of a bitch pushes me into the rack of chips, looks at me in the eye and lets out a “queer.” Hah, that was good. Normally, that would not bother me, seeing as though I wasn’t gay. This guy though, I just didn’t like him. I didn’t know him, but you know that feeling when you don’t like somebody, before you know them-well I had that feeling. I pay for my stuff and walk out with no problem. I pop open one of the beers, and unwrap my ham and turkey sub. I take a bite of the sub, and everything went black. I woke up, with that redneck on me, pounding on my chest, and kicking me in the stomach. I’m thinking, “I’m young, I’m pretty strong. So why am I still on the floor?” I get up, deck the guy in the face for a couple of minutes, then he fell to the ground. I started kicking him in the face, and he started to weep. I felt sorry for him, but I wouldn’t stop.
I ran, and I ran. I didn’t stop running until I thought I was in another country. I sit for an hour or so, contemplating what I had just done. Chances are, I wouldn’t get caught. Seeing as though, I had never gotten in trouble with the law, and besides the fact that I’m homeless and virtually un existent and the place were the shooting had happened, was isolated and away from any type of civilization for a couple of miles. I cleared my conscience. I looked in his wallet and saw loads of cash. I could rent a room in a hotel with this, get a new wardrobe, and get a job. All these possibilities ran through my mind. Instead, I go to this corner store, that runs an underground drug joint, and blow half of the money I had just got on coke and some hash. I still had about 400 dollars left, which left me enough for clothes, and a room. I get myself to a Starry Eyed Inn, and pay for a room to stay in. The guy at the front desk was fairly nice, but I suppose that was his job. I quit the chitchat, and head to my room. Room 4102, on the 3rd floor, I opened the door and threw myself rite into the bed. I haven’t slept on one of these in a couple of years. The velvet covers swallowed me; the fresh scent of something clean invigorated my senses. I stripped naked, admired my body in the mirror and jumped in the tub. I admired the soaps that rubbed me down. A trail of blood leaked from my head, down my leg and down the shower drain. I made sure not to scrub to hard on my scalp, careful not to make it any worse. I began to get light headed, but it was ok. The dirt from my nails, had, like magic, disappeared. My eyes seemed bluer now, not even a blue; but a clear aqua. I was clean looking, and I liked it. My hair was spunky, nothing to out there, but nothing to conservative. I was happy with my appearance, but I was not yet happy with my life. I wrapped myself up in a robe, and placed a towel over my head, while my nose was lowered against a night table, a couple of snorts later I seemed to now be happy with my life. I went downstairs in my robe, looked through sum dry clothes in the laundry room and scavenged for something that fit me. I found a yellow polo shirt, a pair of vintage looking pants with stripes on them, and I stole some sandals from the poolside. I took these things, with all intentions of returning them, just as soon as I went to a store and purchased my own clothes. I went back to my room, did some more coke, and couldn’t get to bed. I was in no hurry; things were looking good for me. The sun soon rose, and I didn’t realize were time had gone. I had done nothing but stare out the window, and sob about how I’m never going to die happy. I lie myself on the heaven like bed, and began to dose off. I dreamt of my parents, and cried about why they had left with no words or goodbyes. I remembered my brushes with suicide, and how my 10th grade teacher had found me when I slit my wrists at school the day after they had left, or when I tried to hang myself at the orphanage, because nobody wanted me. Although I was asleep, a tear drifted down my cheek, and in my head, there was not one thought. I woke up the next day, and thought really hard about what I had done last night. My conscience was not clear, not at all. I thought about when I in fact tried killing myself all those times, but seeing death... really seeing it, makes dreaming about it fucking ridiculous. I knew I never really wanted to die, because if I did, I would have already been dead.
I put on my borrowed clothes, and headed out. I stopped by “The In Factor”, a local mall with a plenty of stores in it. I checked out a couple of stores with men’s clothes, something not to old looking, because I was young and attractive as well. The store manager of a store called “Thrift It” came up to me, and offered me a job. She said I had what the she was looking for and of course I could not let it down. It was awkward though. Although I had never been a person to work, I knew that nobody got a job that easy. Still, I asked her the details. Sheila was her name, and she said that the outfits I was to wear would be provided. She walked me into her office in the back, and unbuckled my pants. I was a bit dumb founded by what was happening to me. It was happening way quickly for me to even think. “Should I stop her? Would this earn me more money?” I was going on with countless thoughts. Finally, I pushed her away before she got my belt off. I asked her exactly what was going on, and she noted that I would not be working in the store, but as a prostitute for a business that she was involved in, and she wanted to check on how I actually ‘Measured Up.’ I was definitely questioning at this point, whether to take this job or not. I had lost enough dignity being homeless, would I lose what is left, selling myself? Current Mood: blank